At least when Marvel does science montages, we’re treated to science bros. I believed neither the training nor the science-ing. There was a training SLASH science montage.The Batcowl was stuck in resting bitch face, the Batmobile was too small for Batman and needed… I don’t know, some tail fins or something? And the Batcave was short a dinosaur and a giant penny.He should also maybe not make all warlords African and all kitchen staff Latino.He also seems (and let’s throw Watchmen in here) to think that rape, or threat of rape, is an appropriate and necessary plot device. But, as in Suckerpunch, and to an extent 300, Snyder wants to make absolutely certain we’re aware that women are objects to be used to motivate the dangly genital crowd. The film’s entire second act can be summed up as: LET US KIDNAP ALL THE WOMENS AND THROW THEM OFF BUILDINGS AND TORTURE THEM TO MAKE THE MENS FIGHT! The mens had plenty of reasons to fight already.And, when we did finally get to Wonder Woman, who showed up like a boss, Mister Snyder made absolutely certain there was an opportunity for the camera to pan up her leg and display her (albeit clothed) crotch. Lois wore stilettos and a leather skirt to a clandestine meeting with a government official and leaned over to display her cleavage whenever she was trying to get something she wanted from Perry. They were all, if I’m generous, maybe half a dress. Gal Godot didn’t wear a whole dress until the last half hour of the movie.It was gross and creepy and it felt like a dog marking his territory. To make matters worse, there is as scene wherein Lois and Clark are having a very “serious” conversation while she is naked in the bath with her boobs bouncing around and he is looming over her fully clothed. Now, unlike her counterpart, Amy Adams is a good actor, but there is absolutely no chemistry between the pair of them and I didn’t believe for a single second they were in love. This Clark/Supes and this Lois Lane are so unbelievable as a couple, watching them is physically painful.I wanted to punch Jesse Eisenberg in the face starting the very first moment he opened his mouth and every moment he was on screen for the next two and a half hours.My cat could do a better job of portraying emotion of any sort, as could a boulder, a cloud, a cockroach, or a dead tree. I’m doing my best to avoid spoilers so you’re just going to have to trust me. I’m not sure how this movie got a PG-13 rating.Now, the part you’ve all been waiting for. There was a trinity shot and it was glorious.I can’t claim to be entirely sure, because I slept through about half of that one, but the fact that I stayed awake for all of BvS is a decent barometer. Yes, there were pacing issues and I’ll get to that, but I was surprised when the final battle rolled around because I wasn’t bored or asleep. It didn’t feel like a two and a half hour movie.We got a few peeks at her past as well and I have high hopes for the solo film. Her hero entrance was spectacular and girl threw down the way we all hoped she would. We have presented to us a King of the Sea with actual regal bearing who looks like he could definitely ride some m*&^%$%#*(*&^ sharks I don’t want to go too much into Cyborg’s intro because *redacted* but he is also shaping up nicely. First looks at Aquaman and Cyborg, while not as well-integrated, will allow us to skip the origin stories of characters whose origins we already know, thus leaving time for more actual plot in Justice League.The Flash’s first cameo was brilliantly conceived and nicely executed. What we saw of the suit was pretty perfect.Jeremy Irons was grumpy and hilarious if underutilized.I won’t say he blew me away, but he wasn’t bad and I think, if done correctly, a solo Batfleck Batflick might be decent. I admit it, I was early on the “No, please deity, anyone but him” bandwagon and I was wrong. Also, The Huntsman looks like it may be decent. I finally got to see the Captain America: Civil War trailer on a giant screen and it was glorious.I shall begin with the Stuff Which Did Not Suck: But overall, while I wouldn’t pay to see it again, I don’t regret paying to see it once, nor do I feel it was two and a half hours of my life wasted. A metric poop-ton of issues and don’t worry, I’ll get to the most egregious of them. And there are parts of it I watched with hate. I have a confession to make: I went into Batman v Superman:Dawn of Justice expecting to hate-watch it.
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